from now on my penis is your penis
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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