If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
there was a trapeze. enough said
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
