his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize