Michael Bay diarrhea
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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