i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
