You made me cry and you don't even care
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
