Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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