So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
