let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i've created a new STD.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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