Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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