I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
