I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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