Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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