I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You ruined the universe
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
