I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
