i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
