3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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