just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
