i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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