wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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