If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
