my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
