I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize