Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
