Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
