Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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