And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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