I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
