Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
