The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
