Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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