i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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