Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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