You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We are all done wearing pants today
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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