i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
