last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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