I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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