I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
