I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize