I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize