Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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