I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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