I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
