I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
