I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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