If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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