babies were throwing up all over the place
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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