Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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