Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
