Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
