just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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