how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
