note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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