if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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