You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize