I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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