You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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