I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
