I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
