Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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