we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
the liver wants what the liver wants
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize