Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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