The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
